We deploy our army to control the border but it’s the wrong border

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WHEN Boris Johnson was campaigning for Brexit he definitely said that if we left the EU we would be able to take control of our borders.

Well, it went well.

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So far this year, 24,500 people have crossed the Channel in small boats, three times more than last year … perhaps because they will be given a house and money every week.Credit: Reuters

Since the start of the year, 24,500 people have crossed the Channel in small boats, three times more than last year.

And so far, only five of them have been sent back where they came from.

What I do not understand is why, having arrived as far as France, these people feel the need to get on a leaking boat and risk crossing the Channel in November to reach Great Britain.

France has excellent cheeses and good wines.

They could move to St Tropez where the summers are long and hot.

Or a pretty Gascony village where you could dine on tasty treats every evening.

But instead they think, ‘No, I want to live in Ramsgate. “

I guess part of the appeal is that in Britain they can have free penis enlargement surgery, if that’s what they like.

In addition, they will receive a house and money every week.

All they have to do is tell the authorities that they are committed Christians and that if they were to be sent home the village elders would hang them from a tree by the scrotums.

Another attractive thing about Britain is our police force. Which is now totally ineffective.

This week, police officers in London were urged by their boss, Cressida Dick, to ask themselves 44 questions before handcuffing someone. For example: “Does this person hit me on the head with a hammer?” “

One of the real questions they need to ask themselves before removing the constraints is, “What am I not sure?” “

Difficult, that.

I don’t know Michael Gove’s middle name or Julia Bradbury’s birthday, or what the fifth tallest mountain in the world is, or how far away the Andromeda Galaxy is.

And I cannot name a single person currently working in the Gateshead branch of WH Smith.

Foaming in the mouth

There are billions of things I don’t know and I’m sure I would have a hard time listing them all.

Especially when trying to wrestle with someone who has foam in their mouth and tries to tear my eyes out.

Dick says the new policy will help build trust in the community, and I’m sure it won’t.

Another attractive thing about Britain is our police force.  What is now completely ineffective

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Another attractive thing about Britain is our police force. What is now completely ineffectiveCredit: LNP

But I can see why it might appeal to people who have just arrived here from a country where the police cannot use handcuffs because all known criminals have had their arms cut off.

We are gentle in this country.

Too soft.

And unless some member of the government gets hold of it soon, we will have a real crisis and we will have to deploy the army.

This is not possible, because I read this week that most of our troops are on their way to Poland to help the authorities stem the flow of migrants from Belarus.

Good idea. Bad border.

Focus on the road and avoid Abbey

And after?  Will there be another driving offense with Abbey Clancy in mind?

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And after? Will there be another driving offense with Abbey Clancy in mind?Credit: Rex

NEW rule means you are not even allowed to touch your cell phone while driving. Even if you are in a traffic jam.

Seriously? If your shuffle playlist decides to fill the car with Arctic Monkey noises and you’re really not in the mood, you’re no longer allowed to swipe the screen to stop it. Are the people who write these laws crazy? Because almost all human beings are able to do two things at the same time.

Men can read a newspaper in the toilet. Women can have sex with their husbands with Brad Pitt in mind.

Are the people who write these laws crazy?  Because almost all human beings are able to do two things at the same time.  Women Can Have Sex With Husbands Thinking Of Brad Pitt

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Are the people who write these laws crazy? Because almost all human beings are able to do two things at the same time. Women Can Have Sex With Husbands Thinking Of Brad PittCredit: Getty

So why are we no longer allowed to switch songs while sitting in a traffic jam?

And after? Are we going to be told that if we want to turn up the heating in the car a little, we will have to find a parking area and stop? And will there be another driving offense thinking about Abbey Clancy?

LOST GROUND

As we know, you can no longer assume that someone is a man just because they have a beard and a deep voice, or that someone is a woman just because their Instagram feed is full of photos of dogs. .

But I wonder how it works in France, where everything is assigned to a gender. A table, for example, is feminine.

But what if he identifies as a man? Are you then allowed to call it the array?

Maybe someone who understands this new way of thinking could explain.

Joy of the skiver

A marine biologist has decided that many of us cannot visit the Thai beach made famous by the Leonardo DiCaprio film

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A marine biologist has decided that many of us cannot visit the Thai beach made famous by the Leonardo DiCaprio filmCredit: Shutterstock

THE Thai beach made famous by Leonardo DiCaprio’s film is a huge tourist attraction.

But now the numbers will be strictly limited after marine biologists say something about the coral. What is a marine biologist? And why don’t you ever see them in the Humber Estuary, below? Or off the coast of Lancashire?

They are only found in the tropics, where it seems to me that they spend their days growing dreadlocks, sunbathing, smoking weed, having sex and then, every now and then, talking about turtles.

No marine biologist in sight, here on the Humber

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No marine biologist in sight, here on the HumberCredit: Shutterstock


ONE of the good things about owning a farm is that I can choose names for all the fields and woods.

And this week, I am delighted to report that in tune with the times, I have decided to change the name of the wildflower meadow from Marcus Rashford to Winston Churchill.

That’s common sense, isn’t it?


Navy donuts

The Navy admitted they lost an F-35B Lightning after its crash - and they fear that unless they recover it soon, the Russians or Chinese will snatch it up and uncover all of its secrets

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The Navy admitted they lost an F-35B Lightning after its crash – and they fear that unless they recover it soon, the Russians or Chinese will snatch it up and uncover all of its secretsCredit: PA

IT IS embarrassing enough that a sophisticated F-35B Lightning jet was lost from one of the Navy’s aircraft carriers this week. But now comes the news that they don’t know exactly where it is.

Apparently, they fear that unless they recover it soon from the seabed, the Russians or the Chinese will tear it up and find out all its secrets.

But I think the biggest secret of all has already been revealed.

After seeing many films about naval warfare, we have in mind that modern warships are so sophisticated that they can detect even the smallest underwater objects thousands of miles away.

But now we learn that the most modern ship in the British fleet cannot even find this jet fighter.

If it was the captain’s watch they were looking for, I would understand, but planes are quite big.

Plus, it turns out the ship didn’t even know where it was when the crash happened. If so, they would surely know where the plane was.

It’s possible, I guess, that no one was watching when the jet entered the oggin, and they only realized that one was missing during an inventory.

But I can’t believe it because there must have been quite a splash.

Either way, the Russians and Chinese now know that the Royal Navy doesn’t know where it is and can’t even find a plane even when it’s literally right overhead.

Fall or fall, Joe?

I'm not sure Joe Biden knows who Kamala is, above, or what a vice president does, or where he left his slippers

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I’m not sure Joe Biden knows who Kamala is, above, or what a vice president does, or where he left his slippersCredit: EPA

RUMORS are circulating that US President Joe Biden is falling out with Vice President Kamala Harris.

I don’t believe them, though, because I’m not sure Joe knows who Kamala is, or what a vice president does, or where he left his slippers, or why he went to the kitchen all over there. ‘time.

Publication date? Fall, rather.

Channel migrants will be sent abroad to have asylum claims processed in a bid to end small boat crossings, Deputy Prime Minister said


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